Snaperiffic!
by omidorichan
Summary: Snape is Lockhart's long-lost twin?! Draco has his own band?! Has all of Hogwarts gone mad?! Step into the insanity realm with this extremely weird fic. PG to be safe. Please read and review.
1. Chapter One: Darts, Elephant Tranquilize...

SNAPERIFFIC!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't really own anything. I don't own Harry Potter or its characters; I don't own the ideas that I used from various shows, books, and movies, etc. but that doesn't mean you can steal my ideas! And I know the idea of Snape being blonde has been used times before.  
  
Summary: Summary? Who needs a summary? It will ruin the story!! Every sentence is a climax *climatic music plays*  
  
Author's Note: Review, please! I have a lot more of this story that I haven't posted yet, and if I get reviews then I will post it! This story is pretty stupid, so if you find anything offending (I hope there is no offensive material in there. but just in case) don't take it seriously. For those of you who have been reading Cardcaptor Harry (people _read_ Cardcaptor Harry?!) I doubt that I will be writing any more of it.  
  
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Chapter One: Darts, Elephant Tranquilizers, and Veritaserum!  
  
During the whole day, up until lunch, Snape had been having a bad feeling. The vents in his dungeon had been making strange noises! And plus, the Weasley twins had not attended class that day.  
  
He shook his head and sat down to eat his lunch. It consisted of peanut butter, pickles, and melted pokemon toys crammed together between two slices of bread. He ate happily and cleaned up and waited for his next class.  
  
He wasn't sure if he liked his next class, or not. His favourite house's students were in it, but so were his least favourite house's students!  
  
'Oh, well.' he sighed. The door opened and Draco Malfoy walked in. Snape smiled, and gestured towards a seat in the front row. Draco was five minutes early. Snape noted the absence of Crabbe and Goyle while fingering something around his neck. Draco noticed what Snape was doing, but stopped staring when Snape looked back at him.  
  
The door opened again, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione entered. They were surprised to see the whole class so empty. They sat down at the back of the room (to Snape's dismay) and brought out their books. Harry and Ron immediately began a quiet conversation, and Hermione started to read, occasionally adding a comment or two.  
  
Five minutes into Snape's class, and no one else had arrived. He was starting to get very ticked-off. He checked his watch again. He was faintly aware of a rumbling sound from outside. It became louder, however, and he stood up to see what it was. Draco stared at the glass of water on Snape's desk, and watched the water move.  
  
Snape walked briskly to the door and poked his head outside. The rumbling was louder than ever. He caught sight of the source of the noise and backed up. He was too late. A pack of teenagers rushed into his room, all in a group, flowing like sand. As they all trampled him, Snape wondered what kind of idiot would wear cleats to Potions Class.  
  
The feet stopped, and Snape dared to open his eyes. Neville's shiny black shoe stepped on his nose. Snape wondered what he had done to deserve this (like it wasn't obvious) and got up. He walked shakily back to his desk and sat down. The class, seeing the footmarks on his face, realized what had happened. They waited in silence for his wrath. Harry just sat in his seat, looking confused. He leaned over to Neville, who had sat down beside him.  
  
'Why was everyone so late? And all in a bunch like that?' he asked. Neville took a glance at Snape, who was writing something on the board.  
  
'W-we were listening to the Brostella's practising!' he said quickly.  
  
Harry sighed. Sometimes Neville could forget to include very important details. 'What is the Brostellas?' he asked, exasperated.  
  
Neville looked at Snape again, and then continued. 'Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, and Draco's new band! They actually sound really good!' Harry stifled a laugh, and made it sound like a sneeze. Snape didn't turn around; he was writing at super speed on the chalkboard.  
  
'But, Draco was in class early today.' Ron said. Neville nodded.  
  
'You guys have got to keep up with this stuff! Pansy and Draco had an argument. Draco insulted Goyle and Crabbe a bit too much, and they got mad at him as well. He left and said he would be back later.' He shrugged, 'I never thought that Draco could sing, but I guess he can, since he is their lead singer. I haven't heard him yet, though.'  
  
Ron and Harry started to laugh and made it look like they were having a sneeze attack. Parvati, who thought that they were laughing at her, turned around and stuck her tongue out at them. Hermione kicked them from under the table and they stopped laughing. Snape was right beside them, fingering something around his neck. Harry almost thought that he had imagined it, because the next moment, Snape had stopped. He was beet-purple, and his lips pursed in a fine line (like Professor McGonagall).  
  
Harry recovered first. 'Sorry Professor,' he began, 'I had a rather dusty book in my bag, and-'  
  
There was a slight popping sound and Snape started to say something, but stopped mid-breath. His eyes donned an almost dead look and he started to fall over. Draco ran over and fell on the steps, breaking his fall.  
  
There was complete silence for a moment, but Ron thought he could hear something. He looked up at the vents, and saw them shaking. He pointed, and everyone else looked up (except for Draco, who had the wind knocked out of him). One section of the vent was shaking madly, and there was a loud laughing sound coming from it.  
  
'Its gonna blow!!' Ron yelled, and everyone screamed and ran away as the vent detached itself from the rest of it and fell down. Out, from inside it, emerged Fred and George, with huge grins on their faces. In Fred's hand was a dart blower. George was holding a few darts. Everyone stared in silence wondering what would happen next.  
  
The twins stood up, and shook some of the debris out of their hair. Ron was the first to speak up. 'Um?'  
  
Fred and George laughed. 'Dear Snapey isn't going to wake up for a while!' said George.  
  
Fred nodded. 'We were getting tired of his boring lectures-'  
  
'like about how we will never learn-'  
  
'about how we should be expelled-'  
  
'and about how he _does_ wash his hair-'  
  
'so we decided to do something about it!' Fred said, grinning. They held up the darts and dart blower.  
  
'our tools.' George said. 'We checked the book. There is nothing in there about shooting a potions master with elephant tranquilizers, mixed with veritaserum, while playing hooky in a dungeon vent.' He said happily. The Gryffindors cheered and lifted Harry over their heads and walked away, chanting 'Harry! Harry!'  
  
The twins blinked and turned to the Slytherins. They shook their heads sadly.  
  
'But you shouldn't know any of this.' George said. Fred nodded, and pulled a pen out of his pocket. He lifted it in front of his face.  
  
'I will need you guys to look at the end of this pen for a moment, and make sure you don't blink during the red flash.' He said.  
  
George nodded. 'The tranquilizers release toxins that can be cleared out of your lungs with this simple procedure!' he said happily. The Slytherins, all having been living with a wizarding family their whole lives, had no idea what a tranquilizer was. They stared at the end of the pen dumbly while the twins put on sunglasses. Fred clicked the button and a bright red light flashed. He put it away and nodded to George.  
  
'Snape is having a crisis, and needs to leave right now! Dumbledore sent us to bring him to his office. Thank you Draco, we can take it from here.' George said, and lifted Snape off of Draco.  
  
Each twin took a foot, and they dragged him out of the classroom and up the steps.  
  
And out the door.  
  
----  
  
A/N: Before you back away slowly, you have to review! 


	2. Chapter Two: Snape, We Hardly Knew Ye

SNAPERIFFIC!  
  
Author's Note: Review, review, review, reviewwww! Okay, so, in this chapter, you find out Snape's secret! Mouaahaahaa!  
  
  
  
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Chapter Two: Snape, We Hardly Knew Ye  
  
It had rained earlier that day, so there were a few puddles. Fred and George didn't bother to go around them as they headed towards a group of people in white clothes by the lake. After they had passed through a rather deep puddle, George glanced back at Snape. There was something unusual about his appearance.  
  
'Say, Fred, is it just me, or did Snape just get blonder?' he asked.  
  
Fred looked back, and sure enough, a golden-blonde streak was visible in Snape's greasy black hair. 'I do say, George! You are right!'  
  
'Rather!'  
  
Fred dropped Snape's foot, and George did the same. They examined the blonde streak carefully. They arrived at the conclusion that,  
  
'Lets dunk his head in the lake and see what happens!!' Fred said excitedly. They gave each other high-fives and took up dragging him again, a bit faster this time. They headed a bit away from the people in the white clothes. By the time they reached the lake, Snape's hair was considerably muddy, and they could barely see the blonde.  
  
George sighed. 'Quick rest?' he asked. Fred nodded and they sat down. And then they got up. They each took a foot and held it higher so that Snape's head was a few centimetres above the ground.  
  
'One.'  
  
'Two.'  
  
'DUNKAROOOS!!' Fred yelled enthusiastically. They lowered their arms, and put the top of Severus' head into the water.  
  
And spun him around.  
  
They did this as long as their arms could take it, which was surprisingly enough, three minutes. Once they were done, they lifted him out of the water, and almost dropped him back in. His hair was c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y blonde! They put Snape down on the grass and tried to recover themselves.  
  
George shook his head. 'I think I have finally lost it.'  
  
Fred nodded. 'Me too. Maybe we should retire early.'  
  
'This job is taking a toll on my brain.'  
  
'Mine too! Because to me-'  
  
'It looks like Snape's hair-'  
  
'IS BLONDE!!' they said in unison and laughed.  
  
George smiled. 'I guess we aren't seeing things. Good call ref!' Snape stirred, and the twins grinned evilly.  
  
Snape groaned and opened his eyes. He blinked to clear them. Even though he was just coming to he knew something was wrong the moment he saw the faces of Fred and George. He tried to sit up, but found that he could barely move. 'What did you do to me?' he asked groggily.  
  
George giggled uncharacteristically. 'You fell asleep during your own lesson!' he said with a smile that Snape wouldn't trust in a million years.  
  
Fred nodded. 'We all have at one point, but we were surprised that the next person to fall asleep in your class, would be you!' they both laughed and Snape moaned.  
  
'What are you going to do with meee?' he asked, stressing the last word.  
  
'All will be found out in due time.' George said matter-of-factly. They helped him sit up and leaned him against a trunk. Snape felt himself waking up more and more.  
  
He ran his fingers through his hair, but habit and found that the texture wasn't quite the same as it always had been. He tried it again, and felt the same thing. The twins remained completely silent.  
  
Snape blinked and held the longest lock of hair out for inspection. 'It can't be!' he gasped.  
  
Fred and George told him to be quiet. 'We have some questions, and we aren't leaving until they are answered. Answered by you.' Snape shook his head, but they silenced him again.  
  
George stood up. 'First of all! Why are you blonde?' he asked. Snape tried to hold his mouth shut, but all of the veritaserum the twins had added to the tranquilizer was taking over.  
  
'I-' he sighed. 'I am a natural blonde.' He said plainly.  
  
Fred, seeing that if he didn't ask another question, Snape wouldn't tell them anything else, proceeded to inquire further. 'Why was your hair black all of this time, then?'  
  
Snape, once again, tried not to talk, but failed. 'I have been hiding my identity. My hair hasn't been washed since I was five years old.'  
  
'And why is that.?' Fred asked anxiously.  
  
'B-because I wanted to keep it black so no one would recognise me.' He said. George stared at his face intently.  
  
'Fred.' George began, 'Don't you think that Snape resembles another one of our most favourite professors?' Fred shook his head. 'imagine his hair short.' George prodded. Fred peered at Snape, who moved back uncomfortably.  
  
Fred blinked and then smiled. 'Why, George! I do think so!' Fred said happily. 'But what does that have to do with anything? Other than that, they look nothing alike.' he trailed off.  
  
George shook his head. 'At times like this, it is hard to believe that you are my twin. See how his face looks skinnier, and less sallow coloured?' he asked. Fred, once again, peered at Snape. Snape, once again, tried to move away.  
  
'Yes! Yes! I see!' Fred said.  
  
George smiled. 'You see! It will take more than seeing. Things aren't always what they appear.' He said, trying to sound intelligent. He reached over and pulled what looked like a piece of peeling skin (EWW) off of Snape's cheek. As he did so, more skin came off, and after a few moments, Fred could plainly see that Snape was a big fan of chin putty. George wasn't done yet. He smacked Snape on the back of his head, and two pieces of glass fell off of his eyes. Brown contacts over bright baby-blue eyes had added to Severus' gross colouring scheme.  
  
'Why, George! What genius!' said Fred. Snape looked close to tears.  
  
George proceeded to ask another question. 'Alright, explain all of this. Hold back nothing.' Snape let out a little sob, and then began his tale.  
  
'Let me start by saying that my name isn't Severus Snape. It is-' he faltered, as if he couldn't bare to pronounce the syllables. George glared at him warningly. 'Richard Lockhart.' He said finally. Fred snickered a bit, but quieted down to let Snape- er- Richard continue. 'My parents were both very wealthy super models. My dad retired early, and started a drill company with his brother- in-law. My mother continued to model the most popular wizarding fashions. When she found out about Gilderoy, she was very excited. She couldn't wait to have a child who would be able to follow in her footsteps. She was devastated when she found out that we were twins. Since I was the weirdest, she gave me up for adoption once I was four. My brother and I were never that close, but before I left, we gave each other matching necklaces.' He reached under his collar and pulled out a gold chain with a pink-red half-heart. The twins tried not to laugh. 'He has the other half, they fit together perfectly.'  
  
Fred stood up and looked over at the other side of the lake. The people in the white clothes were still there. He sat down and urged Richard to go on.  
  
'As I was saying, I was given up for adoption to an old couple. The father was rather strange, and insisted on naming me Severus, so that it would make me sound tougher. He taught me that power was the only thing important in life, and part of me believed him.' Snape blew his nose on his robes. 'They died shortly after I entered Hogwarts, so I was left to fend for myself. I was able to stay at friends' houses for the summers, and soon got involved with the Deatheaters.'  
  
George stopped him. 'Hold it for a second. Lockhart attended Hogwarts too, so why are you still pretending to be someone else?'  
  
Severus sighed. 'I couldn't bring myself to tell him. Once, I did tell someone else, however. He was the only one besides my parents, and Dumbledore who knew.'  
  
'Who.?' asked the twins.  
  
'James Potter.'  
  
Fred and George couldn't hold it in anymore. They had a good laugh before they let Snape proceed to tell them more.  
  
Richard wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. 'He thought it was mighty funny too. He threatened to tell Lockhart, but I knew he had a secret. I threatened to tell his secret.' He paused as if searching for the right words. 'I knew his friend wasn't quite what he appeared to be. James told me to buzz off, but his more rebellious friend, Sirius, had over heard. He made me an offer I couldn't refuse.' Fred and George hadn't heard this version of the story before. 'He told me about the knot in the Whomping Willow, and I think you know what happens from there.'  
  
Fred nodded. 'What happened after the incident?'  
  
'I got very mad at James because I knew he was in on it. He made Sirius do all of his dirty work! I knew I couldn't do anything to him because he would spill my secret, and he knew he couldn't do anything much to be, because I would spill Remus'. We remained almost-silent enemies for the remainders of our years, except for the occasional standard prank.'  
  
'And at what time did you quit the deatheaters?' George asked.  
  
Snape nodded. 'Oh, that. Well I quit one day when Gilderoy sprayed me with windex.'  
  
'Windex?'  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
George looked at Fred, and Fred looked at George. 'Makes sense.' They said.  
  
He went on to tell them about his struggle with billywig. They listened intentally, and once he was done they had more questions.  
  
'Lockhart was here in our third year.' George said  
  
Snape nodded, and Fred continuted. '. so why didn't you tell him?'  
  
'I suppose I just didn't have the nerve. He hated me, and was always giving me hair-tips. I couldn't use any of them, of course. Dumbledore told me to wait until I would tell him anyway. ' he glanced at the twins, who seemed to be holding in a lot of laughter. 'Then, on the day that Ginny Weasley got kidnapped and Gilderoy went to rescue her, I decided that when he would arrive back, I would tell him. But.' he sighed. 'but, his memory was completely gone. It hurt me so much to see him looking so out of it and clueless.' Fred coughed loudly into the back of his hand, and George sneezed over his shoulder.  
  
Fred and George took a moment to digest all of this new information. They had learned more in that short ten minutes than they had during two weeks of school! Snape the most ugly, and hated professor in all of Hogwarts was a golden-haired, blue-eyed, twin of ex-star Gilderoy Lockheart!  
  
George cleared his throat. 'Say, Richard.'  
  
Snape choked. 'That's Professor Snape to you!' he said, sitting up straight.  
  
'Yes, yes, whatever!' Fred said.  
  
'We were wondering.'  
  
'If you had the chance to tell Gilderoy now.'  
  
'Would you?' they asked.  
  
Snape smiled sadly. 'You both know that it is impossible. He _is_ in Saint Mungo's, after all. But, yes. If I could, I would.'  
  
The twins laughed and lifted Snape up, one at each arm. Instead of explaining any further, they dragged him over to the part of the shore where they had seen the people in white clothing.  
  
'Oi! We've got the patient here!' George said, waving his free arm in the air. Two strangers ran over to them, one controlling a magically air-suspended stretcher with his wand, and the other with a straightjacket. Snape, possibly paralysed with fear, exhaustion, and elephant tranquilizers, could only watch with wide eyes as they put the white harness on him, and lifted him onto the stretcher.  
  
With the look that we have often seen in movies; parents saying goodbye to their child, who is going of to college or university, a look of mock-pride on their faces-- Fred and George waved to Snape.  
  
-----  
  
A/N: R-e-v-i-e-w, please. 


	3. Chapter Three: Don’t You Hate Hats!

SNAPERIFFIC!  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Heh. Okay. This story is only getting weirder, trust me. You finally get to witness Draco's band. Live! I'm surprised that he isn't swimming in endorsement contracts. And, yes, mashed potatoes are extremely cool.  
  
  
  
-----  
  
Chapter Three: Don't You _Hate_ Hats?!  
  
  
  
Harry walked to the Great Hall with a lot on his mind. He had just been carried through the halls by a group of crazed 15year-old Gryffindors. Hermione and R-well, Hermione had managed to send the mob looking for Fred and George (whom no one could find). Ron had been laughing too hard to do anything.  
  
'Alright, Harry? Over here!' Collin yelled the moment Harry entered the Great Hall. Harry sighed, and seeing no one from his house that was his age, he tentatively sat down in between Collin and Ginny (and across from Dennis).  
  
'So.' Harry began. Ginny blushed and made her fork miss her mouth (creating a mess of potatoes on her face).  
  
Collin grinned. 'We heard about what you did in Potions. Wicked cool, if you ask me!' he said. Harry blinked.  
  
'Er-'  
  
'The way you handled that mountain troll, absolutely brilliant!' Collin continued.  
  
Harry couldn't take it any more. 'Collin! That was in my first year!'  
  
Ginny blushed and made her fork miss her mouth (again). Dennis could only smile. 'Oh, right. Well it was so cool, I thought I would bring it up again!' Collin went on to list all of Harry's achievements from his birth to the present day (and even some after). Ginny blushed many times, and never ended up eating more than a mouthful of potatoes.  
  
Suddenly, with a warning, the room went silent. The candles dimmed, and all of the teachers moved out of the way to create a stage-like thing in the room. Crabbe and Goyle came out first, and set up a BROSTELLA banner. Then they set up the guitars and drums. Goyle sat at the drum set, and Crabbe pulled a mini-ukulele out of his pocket. Goyle practised with a KFC chicken drumstick that no one wanted from yesterday's meal.  
  
Then Pansy came out, wearing a bright pink apron. Upon seeing her apron, the audience realized that Crabbe and Goyle had been wearing black aprons. It was too funny to laugh at. Pansy picked up the guitar, and took her place by one of the microphones.  
  
Then out came Draco. Harry had heard that he was in the hospital wing, and he supposed that he had run away to be able to perform. Draco was wearing a silver and green apron that said 'curse the cook'. He stood by the microphone closest to the audience and cleared his throat.  
  
'Welcome to the first-ever Brostella concert!' he said. There was scattered clapping throughout the Hall. One rather loud Gryffindor (by the name of Lee Jordan) was heard yelling out:  
  
'Dude! What's with the aprons?!'  
  
Draco frowned. 'Don't any of you know greek?' he looked around, and saw various people shaking their heads. 'Brostella is greek for apron!!' he said. Everyone broke into knowing smiles and nodded politely. Harry wondered if he was the only sane person in the room.  
  
Pansy stepped forward. 'Our first song is called, the Alphabet!' she said. Everyone cheered (except for Harry and Collin, who was just copying Harry).  
  
Draco counted to three and then Goyle started his drums, and Crabbe played a rather odd intro on his mini-ukulele. Then, after ten bars, Pansy came in on her electric guitar, and three bars after that, Draco started to sing (with Pansy doing the echo).  
  
'I was in kindergarten  
  
and my teacher said to me  
  
Little Draco its time you  
  
Learned your ABC's! (at this point Harry felt bad for Draco)  
  
So I did a little dance  
  
And I bought a lance  
  
And I learned my ABC's!'  
  
Then Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle all joined in. 'A-B-C-D! E-F-G-H! I-J- K-L-M! I-FOR-GET-THE REST! ABCDEFGHIJLM IS ALL I KNOW!'  
  
Pansy started to sing, and Draco did the echo.  
  
'When I was in grade one  
  
and my teacher said to me  
  
little Pansy it is time you  
  
learned your ABC's (Harry felt like crying)  
  
So I did a little jig  
  
And bought myself a pig  
  
And I learned my ABC's!'  
  
They all sang together again for the chorus. 'A-B-C-D! E-F-G-H! I-J- K-L-M! I-FOR-GET-THE REST! ABCDEFGHIJLM IS ALL I KNOW! A-B-C-D! E-F- G-H! I-J-K-L-M! I-FOR-GET-THE REST! ABCDEFGHIJLM IS ALL I KNOW!' Then Draco took over again.  
  
'I was in grade two  
  
and my teacher said to me  
  
Little Draco its time you  
  
Learned your 1-2-3's!!'  
  
His voice faded out, and in the end it was just Crabbe on the ukulele (for five minutes). He stopped playing and collapsed on the stage. The Brostellas received a standing applause, and then, after Crabbe had recovered, they started a new song. It was slower this time, and instead of playing a mini ukulele, Crabbe pulled out a mini banjo-acordian-piano-bagpipes thing. Harry had never seen anything like it, but no one else looked surprised. This song was slower than the first one, which was mostly rock.  
  
After about 15 bars of Crabbe's playing, Draco started to sing.  
  
'The girl of my dreams  
  
It seems  
  
She has one eye  
  
And knows how to fly  
  
She ate a cake  
  
And I can bake  
  
I don't like mold  
  
Or so I was told.'  
  
Then he and Pansy sang the chorus.  
  
'Broomsticks are cool  
  
Hey, look at that ghoul  
  
Magics rule  
  
Hey, look a stool.' Harry choked on his mashed potatoes (that's how weirded out he was).  
  
Then Draco continued.  
  
'The girl of my life  
  
Has a butter knife  
  
And can't cook  
  
Oh, but look  
  
At the green tree  
  
And the nice bee  
  
The bee can sting  
  
I have a special ring'  
  
He and Pansy repeated the chorus a few times over, and then they left the outtro to be played by Crab be (Harry felt pitied him).  
  
Everyone clapped, and Hermione and Ron ran into the Great Hall, out of breath. Harry motioned for them to sit beside him. Ron came over, and pushed Ginny aside.  
  
'We came as soon as we had heard. Imagine, what an honour! To see the first Brostella concert!' Hermione said excitedly. Harry gave her a weird look, and then diverted his gaze back to the "stage".  
  
Goyle had the microphone now, and he tapped it with one finger. 'I would like to dedicate this next song to a very special lady.' he waved to Millicent, who waved back. It was Ron's turn to choke (on his mashed potatoes).  
  
Goyle cleared his throat, and Draco took over the drums (exchanging the chicken for tongue depressors).  
  
I refuse to include the lyrics to the song, as it causes me much pain to think of Goyle singing, but I will tell you that Ron and Harry put mashed potatoes in their ears until his song was done.  
  
After that, Pansy did a number that sounded more like screaming (and cussing) than anything else. Then came Crabbe and Goyle's duet (and Harry thought just Goyle singing was bad). Draco sang a few more, and after hearing Goyle and Crabbe sing together, Harry thought that Draco's singing was too beautiful for words.  
  
After Draco had sung a song he called, 'The Day My Pickle Died', he said that they would have a little intermission (which was really just Pansy getting a drink, and Crabbe was zapping himself with the heart-attack zappy things). Draco didn't need a rest however, and offered to entertain the audience with his comedy stylings.  
  
'So I was going to Gringotts the other day.' Ron flinched, 'and this goblin asks me for the key to my vault, and I am like, AS IF!' the Slytherins laughed and banged on the tables. Everyone else chuckled politely, except for Harry, Ron, and Collin (who was just copying Harry).  
  
Draco tried some more anecdote-jokes. 'I aced my Potions test last week. Could have done it with one hand behind my back, while drinking the drought of living death.' The Slytherins howled with laughter. Draco became more confident. 'But on a more serious note, people, why do we get so much work? I mean, we live at school, isn't that educational enough?' Hermione stiffened when she saw him bring out his wand and a Transfiguration essay. 'Here is one essay that Professor McGonagall isn't going to get!' he whispered the bluebell fire spell and burnt his essay until it was but a pile of ashes on the floor. Even then, he stomped on it, and kicked it every which way.  
  
Ron stared in shock. He didn't know if he should cheer along with the Slytherins, or boo with Hermione (and a few Ravenclaws). Instead he just sat down with his jaw hanging open. Since Harry had excused himself to go to the bathroom, Collin did the same as Ron. Close enough, he figured.  
  
Where the teachers were during this whole concert, and comedy act, no one knew. Some say that they were in the staff room having a bachelor party for Professor Flitwick, others say that they were looking for Snape, which was probably true. Either way, no one was supervising, and Draco was free to burn any essay or report he wanted to.  
  
Meanwhile, Harry walked back into the Great Hall to find everyone holding up schoolwork, and catching them on fire (everyone but Hermione who was holding her beloved "Howarts: a History" tightly, with her eyes squeezed shut, whispering the whole book word-for- word to herself). Ron, however, was quite happy to burn his divination work that he had just finished the day before.  
  
'You're doing it wrong!' Harry scolded (he was back from the bathroom). Ron frowned.  
  
'It's my work, and I'll burn it as I please!' he snapped. After the flames had died down a bit, Ron was excited to see what Draco would say next. He leaned over to Harry. 'I hope he tells us to burn our hats, these things are driving me nuts!' he said, scratching his head. Harry gave a little "meh" and stared intently at Draco.  
  
'And have you noticed how everyone boo's the Slytherins when they win, and cheers when they lose?' he asked. Everyone laughed. Ron stood up.  
  
'Don't you hate hats!?' he yelled out. Draco either ignored him, or didn't hear because Crabbe, Pansy, and Goyle were back on the stage.  
  
'A'aight peeps! (he had taken to talking like an American) Ma homies ah back and ready to go!' the rest of the band came out from backstage and took their original places (Crabbe had both of his instruments at the same time). Pansy took the microphone.  
  
'Hey y'all. We didn't write this song, but it is one of my favourites. One, two, three!' she started on her electric guitar. Pansy sang this one, and Draco did the echo.  
  
'Weary of life! Torn up, and bruised! .' Harry had to admit that when she wasn't screaming at the top of her lungs, Pansy could sing well too. Not that he understood why they were singing that song from a television commercial.  
  
I would like to say that the rest of the show went on with the Brostella's doing decent TV-ad remakes, but this was not the case. Luckily though, they were only able to do half of what they wanted, because a moment before Goyle was going to start a self-written song called 'Um', Professor Sinistra came running into the Hall.  
  
'Children! Cease and desist this instant!' she ran into the room, putting temporary-silence charms on everyone and everything. 'You are to go back to your dormitories immediately! No stalling! Hurry, hurry!' the prefects began to create lines at once and, single file, they evacuated the Great Hall.  
  
As the two Gryffindor lines (girls and boys) were moving down the halls, two identical figures managed to slip almost unnoticed, into the boy's line. They gave each other low high-fives and continued the march to the Common Room.  
  
Almost unnoticed, I said. Ron and Lee saw them. Lee was the first to speak up (but not very loudly.  
  
'What were you guys doing away? Another rule-breaking spree, no doubt! Something strange, sick, and twisted. and I want in!' they started to laugh, and Ron pushed Lee to the side (being taller than he).  
  
'Seriously, what did you guys do to Snape? I heard that all the teachers are out looking for him!' Ron said as loud as he could, which wasn't very loud, and not sounding at all concerned for poor Severus, but rather wanting in on the joke.  
  
Fred glanced around. 'I will tell everyone once we get into the Common Room.' He said to Ron and Lee. They nodded and walked the rest of the way.  
  
Once they had reached the Common Room, Hermione (who was a prefect) lost control of the group because they had totally re-gained their voices back. With much hooting and hollering between pauses, Fred and George were able to tell their tale.  
  
'.so, to sum it up, we sent Snape to St Mungo's.' Fred said proudly. There was a moment of silence while the words sunk in, except for the loud thump sound of Hermione fainting.  
  
Lee was the first one to recover. 'Brilliant! Ab-so-lu-tely BRILLIANT! Why, this will go down in history as the best prank ever!' he said, and started to clap. Ron and the others joined in.  
  
George sighed. 'I wish Angelina was here. I'm sure she would have enjoyed this as much as Lee.' Fred nodded, and with one swift movement, reached under the table and pulled out what looked like a wine-bottle. Then, he pulled out dozens of glasses and filled them.  
  
Fred cleared his throat. 'Non-alchoholic champaign, younger students needn't have fear! Same pop as regular champaign!' he said, and passed out the glasses.  
  
Ron tapped his glass with a spork. 'I would like to make a toast.' he began. Everyone quieted down. 'To Fred and George's jokes and pranks, and for many more to come!!' and the room erupted in cheers. Lee got two capes made of flowers and put them on the twins. Harry, who wasn't used to no one paying attention to him, went off and sulked in a corner, trying to catch peoples' eyes.  
  
The doorbell rang, and Neville went to answer it. The Coors Beer people were there. The announcer came forward. 'When you're celebrating, we're celebrating!' he said and they all came in.  
  
Dean went up to one of them. 'What about when I'm getting my eyebrow pierced?' he asked, and the announcer saw Seamus behind him, holding a sewing needle over a flame.  
  
'We're wat- celebrating!'  
  
Parvati was talking to Lavender. 'So I said to him, as if! And he's all like, yeah right girl! And I'm like so.'  
  
Hermione finally gained consciousness. She stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed out her order. 'OKAY!! EVERYONE TO BED RIGHT NOW!! THIS IS AN ORDER! TEN HUT!' and, to her surprise, they listened and went to their dorms. Everyone but Harry, who was still in his corner, making a puppy-face at Hermione, wishing that she would look at him. She scanned the room in triumph, and dusted her hands off. 'Everyon is gone! A job well done, Prefect Hermione!' and without a single glance at Harry, she marched off to her dorm.  
  
-----  
  
A/N: Hmm. did any of this give you déjà vu? Yeah, I kinda used something from The Simpsons for Draco's comedy act segment. And if you are wondering, I _did_ look apron up on an online Greek-English dictionary. Oh! I almost forgot to remind you to ~~review~~!!! 


	4. Chapter Four: The Purple Flavoured Adhes...

SNAPERIFFIC!  
  
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A/N: Um. like I said, this story just keeps on getting weirder. Heh. I love the word adhesive. Its just so. sticky. Review!!  
  
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Chapter Four: The Purple Flavoured Adhesive Stretchy-Fabric Wound- Healer  
  
  
  
The next morning Snape woke up with a terrible headache. He sat up and tried to remember what he did the day before. When nothing came to him, he started to panic. He threw off his covers and let out a sigh of relief. He DID clip his toenails! It was all just a bad dream, then. He tried to get up, but fell over, hitting his head on the night table.  
  
'Oh! Mister Snape! You are awake!' said a giggly high-pitched voice. Snape looked around dizzily, trying to see who it was. A smiling brunette waved at him. 'Does someone have a boo-boo? Does Mister Snape want an adhesive stretchy-fabric wound-healer? We have purple flavour now!' she said, never-not smiling. Snape stared.  
  
'I can count to ten.' He said before he could stop himself. The woman smiled wider.  
  
'Oooh! We are so proud of you! Now, lie down for a bit longer, so your head doesn't feel all woozily!' she said, as if she were talking to a baby. 'Doctor Sacha will be right back with a purple flavoured adhesive wound-healer!'  
  
'I don't want a stupid purple band-aid!' Snape screamed, coming back to his senses. 'Get this straight-jacket off of me!' he said, struggling in his bondage.  
  
Doctor Sacha shook her head and clucked. 'Mister Snape mustn't get too much adrenaline flowing this early in the morning! He must calm himself and wait patiently for his adhesive wound-healer. He can even talk to his roommate while he waits!' she said. Snape turned around to see another bed a few metres away from his. He also saw that the windows had bars on them. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves.  
  
'Snape will wait patiently. Oh, he will, but only if he is free to move his arms, because if he isn't he will get very angry indeed, and run amok, breaking things and disturbing the other patients!' he said in the same tone Sacha used on him. She glared at him for a moment, and then continued with her perky mode.  
  
'Well, only if he promises!' she said, and unhooked the straight jacket. She hung it up on the wall, and told him to wait like a good boy while she got him a drink and a band-aid. Snape stretched his arms and sighed. He got up and walked over to the bed to see his roommate.  
  
Funny, how could anyone sleep through that? He thought to himself. He bent over the person and tried to look at their face. Almost immediately as he did this, their big blue eyes opened and the person grinned and yelled, 'HELLO!'  
  
Snape fell back, terrified out of his mind (good thing he was in an asylum). He started to crawl away, but the person stood up and waved to him. Snape nearly fainted. 'Gilderoy?!' he asked. Gilderoy giggled and put his finger to his nose.  
  
'Shh!' he said louder than Snape had been. 'We must be quiet if we are to get animal crackers!' he grinned and helped Snape stand up. He looked at him for a moment, and his grin faded.  
  
'What's wrong?' Snape asked. Gilderoy reached out and put his fingers around Snape's locket. Then, with his other hand, he pulled his out. Snape gasped as Gilderoy fitted them together.  
  
Gilderoy looked at Snape and furrowed his eyebrows. 'R-richie?'  
  
Before Snape could say anything, they heard a loud high-pitched scream from the doorway. Snape whipped around to see Doctor Sacha fainting. Snape put her out into the hall, and sat her in a chair, and then went back into his room. He locked the door, and put a chair under the doorknob.  
  
'Gilderoy? Do you really remember me?' he asked. Gilderoy nodded and smiled.  
  
'Yessirie-bob!' he squeaked and clapped his hands.  
  
Snape brought a stool to the window and looked out. He guessed that they were on the eighth floor. He sighed and sat down, his head in his hands. Gilderoy sat down beside him.  
  
'We have to get out of here, Gilderoy. Will you help me?' Snape asked. Gilderoy scratched his head, grinning.  
  
'Hands are for helping, not hurting.' He said seriously. Snape blinked.  
  
'I'll take that as a yes.' He stood up determinedly. 'But, first, I am going to do something that I haven't done in a long time- wash my hair!'  
  
~  
  
Hermione, the early bird, came down to the Common Room way to early the next day (eight o'clock- IT SATURDAY FOR GOODNESS SAKES!!). When she saw Harry sprawled out on the couch, she gasped.  
  
'Harry! Did you eat all that ice-cream?!' she asked, pointing to five empty tubs of Hagaan Daazs (double chocolate-chip cookie dough with brownie, fudge, nutella, pecan, and three chocolate dark, milk, and white swirl). Harry moaned and finished off his third jar of peanut butter and tossed it on the floor, along with the ice- cream tubs, two other empty peanut butter jars, and five virgin pina colada bottles.  
  
Ron came down, still in his pyjamas, wiping sleep from his eyes. 'What's going on you-' he yawned loudly, 'guys?'  
  
Hermione put her hands on her hips and looked down at Harry. 'Harry binged.' She said. Harry drooled.  
  
'I think I'm sick.' He mumbled. Ron sighed and pulled him up by one arm.  
  
'Hermione, help me get him upstairs.' He said. Hermione took Harry's other arm and they took him up to his bed. Hermione looked around there room, tsk-ing to herself.  
  
'You boys are such slobs!' she scolded. Ron rolled his eyes and Dean woke up.  
  
'Hermione?' he asked groggily. 'You aren't supposed to be in here!'  
  
She glared. 'I'm a PREFECT, I can be wherever I very well please! Now go back to sleep, I was just helping Ron bring Harry upstairs.' Dean touched his eyebrow gingerly and winced.  
  
'I don't care what Fred and George say, there was SOMETHING in that champaign!' and with that, he fell asleep. Hermione told Harry to rest for a while, and she left.  
  
'Harry?' Ron asked once she left. When all he heard was a gurgling sound he gave up and fell asleep again. Once Harry was sure that Ron wasn't awake, he pulled a few boxes of (chocolate) Turtles and Hedgehogs from under his bed, and started to pig-out again.  
  
----  
  
A/N: Um. Harry is depressed because no one was paying attention to him, in case you were wondering. Tell me what you think in -review form-! 


	5. Chapter Five: Snape Learns to Wash His ...

SNAPERIFFIC!  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Wow. Chapter five! Is five chapters some kind of milestone? I'd like to be serious for a moment, if I may (yes, I _am_ able to be serious). The chapters have been going up fairly fast because I already had them done, but I am nearing the end of what I have written so far, so I will need to slow down the posts. And if I find that there is a lack of interest (aka- lack of REVIEWS people!!) in this story (which I take a lot of pride in) my posts will become even less frequent and I will feel less motivated to write more. So, if you really like this story, _please_ review, and tell me exactly what you think! Thank you. PS- I would appreciate it is you read my other stories (be wary of spoiler warnings)  
  
  
  
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Chapter Five: Snape Learns to Wash His Hair, Harry Anonymously Gets the Help He Needs, and Draco Gets His First Taste of Stardom and Burritos (a.k.a. I-I'm Hungry!)  
  
'So you say that you put the shampoo in your hand, and then you spread it throughout your hair, and then you massage it around until it is lathered a lot, and then you rinse it out?' Snape said, taking notes. Gilderoy nodded.  
  
'You have to make sure that you get all of your hair shampooed, and then you have to make sure that you rinse it all out. If you did it properly, it should squeak afterwards!' ever since Snape had started to ask him how to wash his hair, he was becoming more and more like his old vain self. He no longer cared about the animal crackers.  
  
Snape wrote all this down. 'Okay. then what?' he asked. Gilderoy smiled, showing all of his pearly-white teeth.  
  
'You take a handful conditioner and spread it throughout your hair. Let it sink in for a few minutes, and then rinse it out thoroughly. Then, once you are done, towel dry your hair gently, comb it out with a wide tooth comb, and air dry it.'  
  
'Okay, got it, wish me luck!' Snape said, and swallowed and walked into the washroom.  
  
~  
  
Three hours later Ron woke up, and looked over to Harry and almost fainted. His stomach was so large that he would have sworn, that if he had bleached his hair he would have looked like a younger version of his cousin. There were empty boxes of Turtles and Hedgehogs thrown about, and he couldn't even sit up anymore.  
  
'Harry! What do you think you are doing?!'  
  
Harry burped, and took a sip of soda. 'Eating my misery away.'  
  
Ron swore. 'What misery?! What is wrong with you?!'  
  
Harry didn't answer, he just stuffed another Turtle into his mouth. 'One hundred and two.' He mumbled.  
  
'Hello gorgeous!' They heard someone in the bathroom say. Ron laughed and snuck over to see who it was. Seamus was combing his hair, looking into the mirror, and practising smiling to himself. 'Knock 'em dead Seam-ster!' he said. "What's my name?"  
  
Ron couldn't hold it in anymore. 'SHAFT!' he yelled, and started to laugh. He fell into the doorway and held his stomach as he cackled. Seamus frowned.  
  
'I don't know what you are talking about, Ron.' He said, a blush rising in his cheeks. Ron pointed with his right hand, and held his stomach with the other, and tried to say something. It just came out as maniacal laughing. 'Real mature! I think you might want to go check up on Harry, he doesn't look so good.' Seamus said. Ron stood up and stopped laughing.  
  
'I totally forgot!' he said, and ran over to Harry. Once Seamus was sure that Ron couldn't hear him, he started to hum the Mission Impossible theme to himself.  
  
Ron picked Harry up and brought him down to the Common Room, where he sat down to rest. Hermione ran over to them, Hogwarts; A History in hand.  
  
'Oh, no Ron! You and your brothers smuggled Dudley into Hogwarts, didn't you?! I-' she blinked. 'Oh good gosh! That's Harry!' she screamed. Ron told her what happened and she turned pale. She bent over Harry. 'Speak to me! Can you hear me?'  
  
Harry groaned and opened his eyes. 'I-' he hacked and she lent closer.  
  
'Yes?'  
  
'I- I'm. hungry!' he gasped and went unconscious. Hermione wiped a tear from her eye and looked at Ron.  
  
'Lets take him to the Hospital Wing.' She whispered. Ron sighed and put his hands up questioningly.  
  
'How? He weighs more than your backpack!'  
  
'A wagon! There is a little red wagon in my dorm, hold on, I will go get it!' She ran off, and in two minutes she was back with the little red wagon. 'Help me put him in.' she said, and they hoisted Harry into the wagon. His arms, legs, and head didn't fit in, but there was nothing they could do about it.  
  
Once they lifted the wagon out of the Common Room, the Fat Lady began to laugh. Hermione glared at her. 'I wouldn't be laughing if I were you!' she snapped. The Fat Lady stopped laughing and frowned at Hermione.  
  
As they walked through the halls, they were stopped by Draco, who was eating a burrito.  
  
'Just like the movie stars!' he bragged with his mouth full, sending half-chewed food flying into Hermione's and Ron's face. 'You ordinary shmos wouldn't know!' he spat.  
  
Ron stared. 'Know what?'  
  
Draco smirked. 'Exactly.'  
  
When they figured out that he wasn't going to say anything more, Ron and Hermione took Harry up to the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey prescribed him some merchandise and a whole lot of exercise, and said to see her in the morning.  
  
'.and here is a pamphlet.' She said, handing him a colourful piece of paper. Harry, who was able to walk on his own now, took it and read the title out loud.  
  
'So, You Ate A Lot.' he smiled at Madame Pomfrey. 'Thanks!' and they walked out of the infirmary. Harry turned to Ron. 'Can you help me give up my addiction to sweets?' he asked. Ron thought for a moment.  
  
'Yes. Yes, I can.' He said and led Harry down the hall, with Hermione running after them. They reached a room that Harry had never seen before, and went in. There was a circle of people sitting in chairs, and a chalkboard with the letters FAA on the board. Harry, Hermione, and Ron took the empty seats. Ron seemed to know what was going on. Harry leaned over to him.  
  
'What does FAA stand for?' he asked.  
  
'Food Addicts Anonymous.' He whispered.  
  
Harry shook his head. 'That can't be right. How can I be anonymous when people can see my face?' he asked. Ron shrugged.  
  
'I dunno. Quiet, the meeting is about to start!'  
  
The Fat Friar kind of glided into the room and stood by the chalkboard. 'Hello members. I am the ghost of Friar Tuck, or as the crueller students of Hogwarts have named me, the Fat Friar. But I forgive them.'  
  
The group smiled at him. 'Hello Fat Friar.' They chorused.  
  
'Thank you for your greeting. I see we have some new members today. Ron, I see you have hit rock bottom.'  
  
Ron shook his head. 'No way man, I can go way deeper! I'm attending today for my friend Harry here.'  
  
Harry stood up. 'Hello, my name is Harry and I have a problem with food.' He said. Everyone clapped and gave him the same greeting that they gave The Friar, except put Harry's name in place of The Friar's. Now I ask myself, would it have been quicker just to write "Hello Harry!"?  
  
The Friar gave Harry a big smile. 'Very good Harry, you may sit down now. The first step is admitting you have a problem! Unfortunately it is a very small step, requiring very little effort, as you all know. The hardest part is actually fixing the problem, which is why we are here today. Lets share our stories. Neville, you first.' The Friar pointed to Neville, who stood up.  
  
'Hello, my name is Neville.'  
  
'Hello Neville.'  
  
'Before I came to Hogwarts, I attended a muggle school where I went by the name of Bruce Bogtrotter. A very strict and cruel headmistress ruled the school. On one occasion I happened to be walking by the kitchen when the most delightful smell reached my ears. A big, fresh, homemade chocolate cake! No one was looking, and before I knew what happened, I had eaten the headmistress' slice! Of course, she found out, and the next day she called an assembly and forced me to eat an entire cake in front of the student body! It was wonderful, and by the end everyone was cheering me on! And from that day on, I would eat a whole chocolate cake everyday.' He ended his story abruptly and sat down. The Friar blinked, and then seeing that Neville was done, he pointed to the girl beside him.  
  
'Hello, my name is Hermione.'  
  
'Hello Hermione.'  
  
'Its been one year, twenty six days, four hours, and thirty two seconds since my first- and last- double chocolate chip cookie.' Hermione looked off into the distance, and everyone's vision went weird.  
  
~~Cheesy flashback mode~~  
  
Hermione is sitting outside on her lawn, and she eats a double- chocolate-chip cookie. A cute boy walks by (not Elijah) and she starts to giggle uncontrollably. He looks at her, panicking.  
  
Boy: What? What?  
  
Hermione laughs.  
  
Boy: It's my hair, isn't it? Isn't it? Well little girl- I can't help that!!  
  
The boy starts to cry and runs away, leaving Hermione laughing her head off on the ground. Hermione's mom comes out and yells at her for eating food that had sugar in it (because she is a dentist).  
  
~~End flashback~~  
  
Everyone clapped for Hermione, and Harry, ever so slowly, made his way to the door.  
  
'Harry get back here!' The Friar yelled. Harry started to run down the corridor out of the door. The class started to follow him, and he ran faster.  
  
-----  
  
A/N: Okay, before those Saint Mungo's people come to capture me, I would like to straighten out some things. I have nothing against support-groups; I just hate this one in particular. And also, although it sounds fun, laughing at people walking by your house is not a good idea. Thank you to all of those who have reviewed already: Madame Rose, a person who ISN'T Mrs. Wood, sweetkaiser, Izaayous, harry potter chik, sue, The Order of the Broken Toe, , Richal, Deity, and chickens. ^-^~ " peace. 


	6. Chapter Six: Of Ron, the Frisky Mints, a...

SNAPERIFFIC!  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Okay, for those of you who have never had Frisks. well let me just say that I was unfortunate enough in my childhood to stuff five in my mouth at the same time. heh.  
  
  
  
-----  
  
Chapter Six: Of Ron, the Frisky Mints, and Frutopian Air-Guitar  
  
'Harry. Join us.' Neville/Bruce said.  
  
'Yes. Join us.' Said Flitwick, as if he was a zombie. Harry tripped over something, but stood up as fast as he could and ran even faster down the halls. But the FAAs were catching up to him. Their eyes hollow, their cheeks round, and their arms outstretched.  
  
Harry reached a winding staircase and started down it. And, from some room, someone was playing "Spin Me Right 'Round". After a moment, Harry realized that he was no longer being chased. He forced his chubby legs to walk all the ways back up the stairs. He heard a different song playing, screaming, and hair ties being caught on fire.  
  
'That can only mean one thing!' he said. 'A feminist rally!' and ran into the Great Hall.  
  
Actually, it wasn't a feminist rally, it was Hermione doing a live reading of "Hogwarts: A History". Ron had been burning his hat, and ~accidentally~ threw it at Lavender and Parvati. Their hairclips caught on fire, and they were running around, screaming, and hitting their heads, trying to put it out. The Brostellas were practising for there next concert, and their warm-up song was "Spin Me Right 'Round".  
  
Harry fell to his knees. 'Madness! Madness I tells yeh!' he said, and started to cry.  
  
'Dumbledore is _so_ old.' Draco was practising his comedy routine again, while yelling at Neville to get him a plate of burritos.  
  
'Right away sir! And might I add, I am your greatest fan!' Neville squeaked and ran away to fetch Draco's food. He has got to stop hanging out with Dobby, Harry thought to himself.  
  
Ron ran over to him. 'Harry! You gotta hide me! Parvati and Lavender are on fire, and they say it's my fault!' he said, while shaking Harry by the shoulders and breathing in his face. Harry pushed Ron away and gasped for air.  
  
'You know what your problem is, Ron?' he asked. Ron shook his head. 'You have _bad breath_!' Harry said. He pulled some "Frisks" out of his pocket and gave five to Ron. 'Put these in your mouth, all at once. It will hurt, but it will be worth it!'  
  
Ron thanked Harry and stuffed seven "Frisks" into his mouth, all the while thinking, "how bad can it be?"  
  
A moment later, after seeing Ron's face seize up, Harry smirked. 'Go geddem!' he said, and pushed Ron back into the room. Lavender and Parvati approached Ron with looks that could curdle milk.  
  
'Hello ladies.' Ron said, grinning despite his pain, 'you are looking -hot- today.' He cracked up. 'Get it?!' he said between laughs.  
  
They both frowned, but Lavendar frowned more. 'Very funny, wise guy! You are forgetting that our hair is on fire!' she scolded. Ron, with his icy-fresh breath, blew out the fire. They thanked him and ran away.  
  
Professor McGonagall ran into the room, and shoved Draco and his band off the stage-thing. Then she made Hermione move, and confiscated her "Hogwarts; A History".  
  
'No! Please! Anything but that!' Hermione wailed. She tore off her Prefect badge. 'Take my duties! My homework! Anything but "Hogwarts; A History"!' She looked so pathetic, that McGonagall gave it back to her, and told her to go sit down at the Gyffindor table.  
  
McGonagall looked around the room, and everyone quieted down. 'Students, I am shocked at your behaviour today. Before I am barraged with excuse-notes from your parents-' she paused for effect, 'I have an announcement. Professor Snape, is-' she cleared her throat, 'missing.' She let her words sink in. Everyone cheered, except for the Slytherins. Draco looked like he just swallowed a lemon.  
  
'It is difficult to find a replacement on such a short notice, but luckily enough, we did. Quiet, now while I say this. His replacement is. Sirius Black.' There was a chorus of gasping heard throughout the Hall. 'Now off to your normal classes, and if there are any questions, _please_ stop coming to me! Dumbledore _is_ the headmaster, after all!'  
  
Harry, Hermione, and Ron met at the door, and rushed down to the dungeons for their next class, ~dun dunn~ POTIONS. They had to stop every so often because Harry was having a hard time keeping up.  
  
'You know,' he said while they were waiting for him, 'Potions is the only class we have had this week, so far.' He said.  
  
'We are allll, happpyy childreennnn.' Ron sang to himself. 'Happpyyy and ooobeeeedieeeent.' he tried to do a 360 (they were standing on the stairs) and he knocked Hermione over. She fell over, and hit Neville, who fell over and hit Seamus, who fell over and his Dean, who fell over and hit Lavender, who fell over and hit Parvati, and so on, until everyone on the staircase had fallen over, except for Harry and Ron, who were at the top.  
  
Ron smiled widely. 'Finally! They haaave soft stairs for my dellllicate feeet!' he said this like a gameshow host introducing the contestants. Then, he put his hands on his hips and ran over everyone. Harry, seeing as there was nothing else to do, followed him (ignoring the snaps of bones breaking underneath him).  
  
There was a long boring sequence of events that led to the whole class arriving in the dungeon, and I am in no hurry to include it. But once they did get down there, they were greeted by Harry's Godfather.  
  
Harry ran up to him, arms open for a hug. 'Seeryyy!!' he said. Sirius put his arms straight out in front of him to push Harry away.  
  
'Whoooa, back off heavy dude. Don't get yourself breathing more air than you should.' He motioned for everyone to sit in a circle around him while looking at his peace-sign necklace.  
  
'Okay, dudes and dudettes, today we are gonna like, learn about a groovy potion, I like to call, Fruitopia.' he told them. Everyone stared at him in disbelief while Ron played air guitar beside him. 'Way to go red-hair dude!' Sirius said, referring to Ron. 'Fight the power!'  
  
Harry put up his hand. 'Sirius. Why are you dressed like that?' he asked. Sirius looked down at his bellbottoms, peace symbol necklace, long hair, and hippie shirt. 'Because I don't believe in barbershops, man. Can anyone, like, tell me what extra ingredient we are gonna put in the Fruitopia today?' he asked.  
  
Dean put up his hand. 'Glucose fructose?' he asked. Sirius shook his head.  
  
'Good try, though. Our secret ingredient is-' his necklace started to beep. He stood up fast. 'Its time! If you wanna be a groovy flowerchild, then follow me.' He said. Everyone followed him because they wanted to be groovy too. He led them outside toward the Forbidden Forest. He pointed to the east.  
  
'See that dudes? Those bulldozers are gonna try and bulldoze down out beloved forest. Those ungroovy dudes are gonna get rid of it so that they can build a mega-mall.' Everyone gasped. He brought them up to the trees, and chained the Gryfindors onto some redwoods and maples. Then, he made the Slytherins (it was double Potions class) march up and down in front of the tree line.  
  
When the bulldozers arrived they saw the spectacle, and one of the drivers got out of the truck. 'Whaddu you treehuggers think yehr doin', huh?' he asked angrily. 'We got orders to tear down them there trees, and you ain't gonna stop us! Peh!' he spat on the ground.  
  
Sirius stepped forward bravely. 'Oh, yeah?' he asked. He turned around to Draco and Pansy who had somehow conjured up an acoustic guitar. 'Ready Draco?' he asked. Draco nodded and started to play a song.  
  
'Uptown girl!' he said, and strummed, 'she's been living in her white bread world!' Pansy joined in, and soon the whole class was singing. The bulldozer man stepped back, eyeing everyone nervously.  
  
'Shut up! Shut up! All of yehs!' he said frantically, backing away.  
  
Sirius walked up closer to him. 'You can't defeat us Nark! We stand for peace, love, and FRUITOPIA!' he threw a handful of daisies at the guy, who squealed and ran into his bulldozer. He gave his friends the signal, and they all drove away. The class cheered, and tried to unchain themselves (all except for Ron, who seemed to be suffering strange side effects from the mints).  
  
'Everybody dance now! Ba! Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba!' he screamed and tried to dance, but was still chained to the tree. Sirius looked at them all nervously.  
  
'Man. okay, dudes? I will be back in a second. I have to go see the like, leader dude about how to untie you guys.' He said and ran off. The Slytherins snickered.  
  
'Oh, for the love of-' Hermione brought out her wand and undid the lock on everyone's chains. Now Ron was able to dance.  
  
-----  
  
A/N: Hee hee! I hope y'all enjoyed that! *Stops being happy* NOW REVIEW ! ! ! AHHH ! ! ! 


	7. Chapter Seven: Snape’s Mastur Plan and t...

SNAPERIFFIC!  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Wow, a long chapter today! The most chapters I've ever posted! I hope y'all enjoy and review! Pretty please?  
  
  
  
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Chapter Seven: Snape's Mastur Plan and the Killer Health Food Strikes Again (only you weren't around for the first time it struck.)  
  
  
  
Snape stepped out of the bathroom, a towel on his head. 'Taadaa!' he said, and pulled the towel off of his head. Gilderoy clapped.  
  
'Huzzah! You look so much better now then you did two hours ago!' Gilderoy said.  
  
Snape nodded. 'Yep! It took a while, but I finally got all of the grease, dirt, oil, and food out of my hair. Now, for our escape plan.' he brought out a blank piece of paper and a pen. On it he wrote down all of the materials he would need, and the steps of the plan.  
  
  
  
"Snape's Mastur Plan:  
  
Matereuls:  
  
-blangkets  
  
-pilos  
  
-sheetes-"  
  
  
  
'Don't forget my hair styling products!' Gilderoy chided.  
  
Snape shook his head. 'That goes in your suitcase.' He continued writing.  
  
  
  
"Plan:  
  
we ty up tha sheetes ande blangkets intoo a roep.  
  
we ty won and uf tha roep too tha windo sil.  
  
we thro tha othur and don too tha grownd.  
  
we thro tha pillos don inkayz we fal.  
  
we clime don too safetee ande fureedum!!!!"  
  
  
  
Snape put down his quill and looked over his list. Everything seemed accounted for. But, he checked it over yet again because one small error could ruin this set-up. Gilderoy read it over his shoulder.  
  
'I wrote a book, you know.' He said. Snape chuckled to himself.  
  
'Sure you did, Gildy.' He muttered. 'Lets start to tie up the sheets and blankets now.' He pointed to a pile he made of materials that he stole from other people's rooms. Before Gilderoy could move, Snape grabbed the ones with pink and blue bears falling from clouds with little green umbrellas. He started to tie them together. Dejectedly, Gilderoy took the green ones with the yellow ducks and started to tie them into a rope. When they finished, they tied their two ropes together, and made sure that the knots were tight.  
  
Snape handed a bunch of pillows to Gilderoy, who threw them out of their escape window, directly below where they would be landing. While he did this, Snape tied one end of the rope down to the windowsill and made sure that it wouldn't come undone. Then, they grabbed their suitcases, and threw them down to the pillows.  
  
'Y-you first, Gildy.' Snape said shakily. Gilderoy shook his head.  
  
'Oh, no! After you, Richie!' he said, sounding just as nervous.  
  
'They are in there! The door is jammed shut!' it was Dr Sacha's voice right outside the door.  
  
A tough sounding man answered. 'Yes, Doctor.' The man started to pound on the door, and the chair started to move.  
  
Snape turned to look at Gilderoy. 'You first Gildy! If only you can escape, then maybe you can come rescue me soon!' he said, and before Gilderoy could argue, Snape pushed him out of the window. 'Ooops.' Snape said as he watched Gilderoy fall, screaming, down eight floors. 'My bad.' He brought out his wand (which he stole back from Sacha while she was unconscious) and cast a gliding spell on Gilderoy, so that he wouldn't fall hard. In a moment he landed on the cushions with an 'Oof!' Gilderoy waved up to Snape to let him know that he was alright.  
  
With a bang, the door broke down, and the muscle man and Dr Sacha ran into the room. Without a second thought, Snape jumped out of the window. 'Gerronimooo!' he screamed and landed beside Gilderoy.  
  
'They're getting away!' Sacha shrieked, watching them run away from the window. The man scratched his head.  
  
'I knew we should have put locks on those windows.' He said and started to pull the sheets up.  
  
  
  
Once they were far away from St Mungo's, Snape and Gilderoy stopped for air. 'They will have the whole country after us soon!' Snape said between breaths.  
  
Gilderoy nodded. 'If only there was a place we could-'  
  
'hide. Somewhere safe, and-'  
  
'not too suspicious, like-'  
  
'HOGWARTS!' they said in unison, and then stared at each other.  
  
'My gosh. I'm turning into a Weasley!' Snape said in disgust. 'Lets keep moving. I think its that way.' Snape pointed to the north. And so, with high hopes, and grass stains in their pockets, they began their incredible journey north toward what they hoped would be Hogwarts.  
  
  
  
~  
  
  
  
As Harry and his classmates walked into the Great Hall, they found that they were just on time to witness an announcement.  
  
'I regret to inform you all that, due to budget cuts and food wasters, we will have to strike mashed potatoes from the menu.' Everyone groaned. 'Yes, yes, I know. But that's what happens when people play with food!' Dumbledore said, 'they will be replaced with McCain Tasti Taters. In other news, our Fifth Years will have the pleasure of embarking on a mystical quest-' everyone held their breath excitedly to see what he would say next. '-of knowledge!' they exhaled disappointedly. 'Yes! In two days they will be taking the Learning is Fun Espress to the North, where they will study the different behaviours of wizard/muggle settlements. I hope you all brought your mitts, caps, and boots!' he snapped his fingers, which made an extra snapping noise of their own. Plates of food (and taters) appeared on the tables.  
  
Harry licked his lips, and grabbed a few Beef Wellingtons for his plate, along with Fettuccini Alfredo. Ron was singing again.  
  
'Eat a bean and your hair will sheen!' he said, piling his plate full of kidney beans. Hermione tapped Harry on the shoulder, and handed him a plate of really healthy weight-loss food. He looked at the green mass in disgust.  
  
'Why are you eating that junk, Hermione?' he asked. Hermione took his plate and replaced it with the yucky one.  
  
'I'm not eating it,' she put some lettuce on a fork and shoved it into Harry's mouth, 'you are.' And she sat down beside him and started to eat the Beef Wellington and the Fettuccini Alfredo.  
  
Harry poked his food with the fork and peered at it closely. 'Hermione, I think this is alive.' He said. Hermione laughed.  
  
'Don't be silly! Its more dead than this succulent Beef Wellington here.' She said between mouthfuls. Harry threw down his fork with a clatter and stood up, knocking over the chair.  
  
'You know what? I've had it with you! You and your -so called- _eating_! I defy you and your ways, Hermione Farmer!' he said. Hermione stared at him.  
  
'My name is Granger. Hermione Granger.'  
  
Harry blinked. 'Oh, right. I used to know a Hermione Farmer in my old school, so I kinda slipped there.' Then he scowled at her again. 'Feel my wrath poser-farmer girl!' he said and tried to beat her up. She tripped him and he fell in the path of his idol, Cho Chang!  
  
'Oh, my, gosh, Harry! Are you alright? Should I call an ambulance? Oh, wait, I don't know the number! Tee hee hee!' she kicked Harry in the head. The green goop from his plate jumped on her and started to eat her face. She screamed and thrashed around.  
  
Harry stood up in all of his fat-nerdy glory. 'In times of danger, the health food must protect its host!! Kill my pretties! Kill!' he started to cackle maniacally. Ron joined in and soon the whole table was laughing, and only half of them had a slight idea of why.  
  
Cho finally managed to get the salad-thing off of her face, but there were still traces of it, and it was all sticky in her hair. She glared at Harry. 'I'm never gonna pretend to like you again, Harry Potter!' she said, and spat on the floor. Then, she ran away, obviously to her dorm to take a shower.  
  
Ron walked over to Harry, who had stopped laughing. He grabbed his hand and held it up for everyone to see. Then, with his other hand he held an imaginary microphone to his mouth. 'Aaand the winner is- HARRY POTTER!' and after he said this, Draco went up on the stage with his guitar and started to sing/play 'World's Greatest'.  
  
Ron sat down wearily. 'Now, I have to go back to my room and water my phlowers.'  
  
Hermione laughed, and then stopped because she saw that he was being serious. 'You have flowers?' she asked.  
  
Ron shook his head. 'Not flowers- phlowers!' he paused. 'With a ph instead of an f.'  
  
'I. see.' they heard some fangirls screaming and turned to watch them attack Harry.  
  
'AHH!! HARRY!! OH-MY-GOSH!! THE WAY YOU HANDLED THAT WITCH WAS GREAT!! WE LOVE YOU!!! AHHH!!!' the one who had yelled all of this out thrust a pen and paper underneath Harry's nose. 'Autograph, hon.' Then she looked at him closely. The other ones scrunched up their noses.  
  
'Eww! He is like, fat or something!! Lets go idolize someone with chiselled muscles!' one of them said.  
  
'Yeah! We have better people to waste our time on!'  
  
'What about that hot Draco dude?' they all screamed, and with that they all ran away. Harry's lower lip trembled. Ron glared at Hermione, and put his arm around Harry's shoulders.  
  
'I'll tell you what, Har. You can come back to my dorm-'  
  
'_You're_ dorm!?'  
  
'-and help me water my phlowers!' Ron said, ignoring Harry's interrupting him. The three of them started to walk back to the Gryffindor house thing without finishing their dinners. Harry's stomach rumbled, but he didn't mention it, because he knew that after everyone falls asleep, there would be a box of chocolates waiting for him.  
  
'You know what I was thinking today?' Ron asked them, over his singing for the moment.  
  
'What?' Hermione asked.  
  
'I was wondering what Snape was doing. we haven't seen him for about three days now. I almost lost count! But then, I remembered that I wasn't counting.'  
  
But the company wasn't listening to Ron. They too, were thinking about what Snape was doing. Where he was. How he was faring.  
  
-----  
  
A/N: Um. Uh. Er. Anou. OH RIGHT! The author's note! Heh *sweatdrop* well. review and make me happy. Happy enough to write more! 


	8. Chapter Eight: Hermione Farmer Attacks

SNAPERIFFIC!  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Huzzah! I am finally updating! *Does the updating dance* Please, review! If you don't like it, tell me so! If you love it- tell me! If you are too lazy to read it, tell me!  
  
  
  
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Chapter Eight: Hermione Farmer Attacks  
  
  
  
'Gee! Richie! I sure am cold!!' Gilderoy said, his teeth chattering. Snape exhaled, a cloud of green condensation appearing in the air. He wiped his mouth and icicles fell off of his newly grown beard.  
  
'According to this map, we should be at the nearest Star Bucks.' Snape said, and then gasped. 'And there's a Tim Hortons right underneath our very feet! I-' Gilderoy grabbed the map from Snape.  
  
'You pooka! This is a map of "American Coffee Shops"!!' he pulled out the real map out of his pocket. Why he wasn't looking at it in the first place is a mystery. Too much faith in Snape, I suppose. 'It says here that we are in Scandinavia!'  
  
'Oh.' Snape said. 'And how long do we have to walk to get to Hogwarts? Two kilometres?'  
  
Gilderoy shook his head. 'Try multiplying that by a thousand. Then, by a hundred.'  
  
Snape did the maths in his head, but forgot to carry the one. 'I see.' he looked around. 'Now where is that kid with my cappuccino?!'  
  
~  
  
'For reasons beyond my control, Hogwarts has installed a new gym for people to work out and such.' Dumbledore announced. Harry groaned. This would mean less throwing paperclips at people who looked like household appliances. 'And now, I would like to hand out the stupid awards that we get at the end of the year, but I was so excited this particular year, that I am giving them out now- in September! So, now, I can see you enjoy them all year!' he said, and started to break dance. Then, he stopped, and frowned at everyone. 'On second thought, I will leave them until June. Now lets all go play quidditch!!' he yelled, and everyone filed outside. The first game would be (surprise surprise) Gryffindor versus Slytherin!  
  
Oliver Wood ran up to Harry with a purple broom. He, uh, rejoined as captain of the team after that one year because he liked it so much. And he has a cool last name! *heart, heart*  
  
'Harry! I found the only broom that would agree to take you! Its name is.' dramatic music played. 'PURPLE FACE!' he said. Fred and George stood behind Oliver, laughing their faces off.  
  
Harry stared at Purple Face. 'I thought that one was retired! My girlfriend named a star after that broom.' He said.  
  
'But you don't have a girlfriend!' Oliver said loudly. Harry started to cry in his hands even louder. 'There, there, I didn't mean it!' Oliver said and handed Harry a menthol Kleenex. Before Harry could take the Kleenex, Ron ran up and grabbed it, and ate it.  
  
Then he ran away to go sit with Hermione, who was mad at him again.  
  
'I hate you Ron!' she snapped, and then went back to reading her "Hogwarts: A History". Ron glared at her and then picked up his box of phlowers. He went up and down the bleachers, yelling for people to buy them, and then throwing them to them once they did.  
  
'Phlowers! Git yer phlowers here!' he yelled. Hermione glared at him.  
  
Madame Hooch came out with her special cape thingie, and started the game. It took a while, but Harry finally got his broom off of the ground.  
  
Hermione watched the game through omnioculars. She saw Harry bouncing around in the air and became frightened and forgot why she was mad at Ron.  
  
'Ron! Come quick! Harry's under another spell!' she said. Ron slid down the bleachers, knocking over everyone in his path.  
  
Before Hermione could tell Ron what was happening, he remembered something. Their quidditch team didn't have a mascot! And Snape, the Slytherin mascot, was gone! He made a quick wreath with his phlowers and put it around his head, so it kinda resembled a lion's mane. He went up in front of the bleachers and started to dance.  
  
'WANTA FANTA! DON'T YOU WANTA! WANTA FANTA!'  
  
Ron sang and danced like any good mascot should,  
  
But in the end all he really wanted was food.  
  
Up came Draco, with a cape and a hat-  
  
"Why dear Ron, I believe you're getting fat!"  
  
And quick as a flash, they both flew away  
  
Students of Hogwarts say to this day  
  
That if you listen hard on Halloween night  
  
You just may hear some wolves getting in a fight!  
  
  
  
Ron's hallucination ended, and he found himself on the floor of the empty stadium, with his wreath in shreds.  
  
He sat up. 'It was all a dream?' he asked himself. 'That's not how it seemed!' then he paused. 'I guess I should stop rhyming now.' Then he got up but tripped over something.  
  
He picked it up. 'My! Its an alien spacecraft!' he opened it and the window's symbol blared in his face. 'Hmm. it must be one of those wonky ladtobs that Hermione was telling me about. And she says that I never listen in Mythical Muggles class!!' he grunted. (Muggle Studies had been changed to Mythical Muggles to get students interested in it that year.)  
  
Ron pushed a few buttons and found himself on jolly old fanfiction dot net, where he was barraged with pop-ups! 'Oh, dear, this won't do at all!' he tried to sign up for the extended membership but didn't know how. So just as he was clicking on a fic called "Fred and George Play Even More Pointless and Degrading Jokes on Ronald" a pop-up popped up. It was from Classmates.com! Ron thought he recognised the jock so he clicked on him. Then he was transported to another world. A world of highschool, black and white nostalgia.  
  
He typed in his old class that he was in before he came to Hogwarts and they all came up.  
  
'And they say muggles don't have magic!' he said, amazed. He scrolled down the list and found his picture. He had had braces that year, and headgear. And really, really thick glasses. And freckles galore (actually he still had freckles galore).  
  
'I look radishing!' Ron said to himself. He really likes radishes.  
  
That page bored him, so he looked up Harry's class. He scrolled down and saw Harry, who looked exactly the same, and then he went down more and saw her. Hermione Farmer. What a vision of beauty! He clicked on her and it only showed an enlarged photo. So, he took out his wand, and clicked on her picture. She appeared in front of him holding a model TG-5 airplane.  
  
Before Ron could say anything, Harry came outside looking for him. When he saw Hermione (Farmer) he stopped and stared. Then he held out his wand.  
  
'Go back to where you came from!!' he yelled and shot her with his wand. Then he remembered that it was actually a liquorish stick.  
  
'Harry Potter? Is that you?' she asked. Harry shook his head.  
  
'No, I'm Harry Potter! You have to pronounce the er like an a.' he said.  
  
'I see.' she said, and walked towards him. Harry took a step back  
  
Ron stepped forward. 'HI! I'M RON! MOST OF MY FRIENDS CALL ME RON! YOU CAN CALL ME RON! MOST OF MY ENEMIES CALL ME RON! I-'  
  
Hermione stared at him. 'Your breath is too minty! That's just as bad as bad breath. Now, back to Harry Pottaaaa.' She said and started to stare at Harry again. Harry did a summersault and a cartwheel but she didn't move.  
  
'Maybe it's the chicken?' he asked. Hermione walked back into the computer and was never seen again.  
  
'I THOUGHT LOVE WAS ONLY TRUUUE IN FAIRY TALES!' Ron started to sing. Harry hit him on the back of his head.  
  
'Quiet you dolt!'  
  
And with that they ran back to Hogwarts.  
  
-----  
  
A/N: Is this the last of Hermione Farmer? What exactly was in those mints? Is it really the chicken? Review and you might find out! (but not really) 


	9. Chapter Nine: The Ancient Greek Re Creat...

SNAPERIFFIC!  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Yes! After many an age this story is finally being updated! *Waves to the empty crowd* Review please and make me happy! And thank you to all those kind people who have already reviewed!  
  
Miyako Inoue, Queen of Cheese (You are my hero! I am so, SO, SOOOO GLAD that you liked my story [and that you reviewed every single chapter! You deserve a medal or something!] your stories are GREAT! Keep writing!), Azaelian (glad you like it!), Pixsaro (how is Yam??), Carlee (nah hah hah!), Sweetkaiser (or should I say, house of?!?), Celenathil-the-Elf (my other hero! Thank you so much for reading my story! I love your stories!), The Evil One, KAOS, The Dark Elfy Chick (now, you can slowly back away), Izaayous, Harry Potter Chik, Sue, The Order of the Broken Toe, , Richal, Deity, and chickens. Thanks again!  
  
------------------  
  
Chapter Nine: The Ancient Greek Re Creation Society, and Lita Sneeter  
  
'Beer, beer, beer, bubba bubba beer beer beer beer bubba- Every time we gather-'  
  
'Richie, you are starting to get on my nerves!' Gilderoy said, grinding his teeth.  
  
Snape sighed. 'Are we there yet? My teeth are cold!'  
  
Gilderoy growled and hit Snape in the back of the head, and an ice- cube flew out of his mouth.  
  
'Ahh, that's better. Betterer. Butter.' Snape started to talk about the lawn fertilizer market and Gilderoy ignored him.  
  
Snape pulled out his oldies radio and tuned the channels. 'May day! May day! We have seen a UFO! May day! Maaaay day!' Gilderoy stared at him. The radio crackled.  
  
'And now, all the way from Britain, we have The Brostellas and their new single, Gotta Go!' the radio make some strange noises and Snape gasped as he heard Pansy's expert guitar playing start up, along with Crabbe and Goyle's instruments.  
  
'Sitting in the room again  
  
Teacher is blah blah blahing again  
  
"Teach I gotta go!"  
  
My teachers you see,  
  
They're all a bit slow.'  
  
Snape laughed. 'They sure are!' he said, and tried to tap-dance, but slipped on the ice and fell into the snow.  
  
Gilderoy let out a bellow and started to attack Snape. They did the fightey thing, and eventually they rolled off of a cliff. Once they fell to the bottom of the cliff, unharmed, they met a girl there. Behind her was a laptop with a Digimon-portal-thing((no, I do not like Digimon! *runs away crying*)).  
  
'Hello!' she said, running over to them. She stared at Snape with his new facial hair. 'Why, aren't you spiffy? I'm Hermione Farmer! I-'  
  
Snape pushed her out of the way and he and Gilderoy started to run for the portal, anxious to be released from the snowy wasteland. Hermione ran after them. 'Noo! Wait! You have no idea what its like to be out here alone, and Harry is fat! Come back! Come baaack!' but she was too late. Snape and Gilderoy had already jumped into the mystic portal of nortany. Hermione fell to her knees, sobbing. Then she started to laugh, and laugh. She threw her head back in a full "character-who-just-realized-that-they-are-evil" maniacal laugh.  
  
When Snape woke up he found that there was something heavy crushing him. He gasped for air and the pressure lifted. 'Ah! I thought you were a bench!' he heard a familiar voice cry out. He opened his eyes to see something that looked like a watermelon wearing Harry's glasses.  
  
Snape stood up and gasped. 'Ron transfigured Harry into a watermelon didn't he?! Oh, I knew that boy was trouble the first time I laid eyes on him! He'll pay! He'll pay!' Snape fell to the ground and started to sob. Harry patted him on the shoulder awkwardly.  
  
'There, there.'  
  
'Gildy? Where's Gildy?' Snape asked wearily. Gilderoy walked over, his face covered in paper machée.  
  
'Over here Richie!' he said. 'Fancy that portal taking us straight to Hogwarts!'  
  
Snape thought for a moment. 'Hmm. yes, fancy that!' he stood up and fell over, and stood up again. 'We have to go see Dumbledore!' he said and they ran off. Harry watched them go, and then shrugged and tried to sit on a different bench.  
  
'Hey!' Ron cried out in dismay.  
  
'Shh, benches don't talk.' Harry said, taking advantage of his insane friend. Ron nodded and stopped talking.  
  
Snape and Gilderoy walked into the school and tried to ignore the accusing stares of the other students and teachers.  
  
'You stole my Beyblade!' Neville whined. Snape blushed.  
  
'Did not!' they started to walk faster.  
  
'You broke my quill in second year!' Professor Trelawny screeched. Snape shook his head and covered his ears.  
  
'Lies! Lies! They're all lies!' he said and ran the rest of the way to Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore was sitting on his desk in a toga, reading a Readers Digest with a sticky pile of Lemon Drops beside him. When they walked in, he looked up, and his eyes were kinda spirally.  
  
'Hello children. What can I do for you todaaaay?' he said and fell over, his face right into the pile of candies.  
  
Snape fell to his knees. 'NOO! NOT DUMBLEDORE!!' he cried out. Dumbledore sat up and started to predict the future.  
  
'One o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock rock!!' Dumbledore screamed. Snape and Gilderoy ran out of the room, right into Ron who was wearing a toga as well (with those leaf things behind his ears).  
  
'Outta my way, Snapey-boy!' Ron said, trying to push Snape aside to get into Dumbledore's office. 'I'm late for my Ancient Greek Re- Creation Society!'  
  
Draco came running up wearing a toga and sandals too, holding a bag of sacrificial lemon drops. 'Did I miss the anthem!?' he asked anxiously. Ron smiled at him.  
  
'No, I think Snapey-boy here wants to join though!'  
  
Draco smiled evilly and stared at Snape, Gilderoy completely forgotten at the moment. 'That means it's time for INITIATION!!'  
  
They giggled and brought Snape into Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore had stopped singing.  
  
'Now, we have a matter to address.' He said seriously. 'Mr Malfoy is not selling enough Gree-Chocolate! You _know_ how I feel about slackers!' Apparently, the club had to sell chocolate to raise money for togas.  
  
Draco crossed his arms across his chest. 'Well if RON,' he glared at Ron, 'would stop stealing all my customers! I don't think that it was out of curtsey for his superiors that he sold his to _all_ of the Slytherins first!'  
  
Ron turned red. 'Well, they were having that "250 Years of Evil" convention and I couldn't pass up the chance!' he said.  
  
Dumbledore slammed his fist down onto the table. 'That's enough out of you two! You'll settle this on your own time, and NOT by method of chocolate throwing!! In other news, we have a new member. Professor Snape has returned to us with a new look! Welcome back Snapey-boy, and I hope you don't find our method of initiation too- ' he giggled'-hazing!' When no one laughed, he brought a long iron rod out of his desk and held it into the fire for a few minutes. Draco and Ron lifted up Snape's shirt sleeve and before he could do anything, Dumbledore branded him right over his Deatheater Mark. He screamed in agony.  
  
'You fools! You've summoned him!!' he yelled. Dumbledore laughed.  
  
'No we haven't!'  
  
SUDDENLY out of the darkness came Voldie, wearing a toga. 'I would like to be made an honorary member.' He said. Dumbledore branded him too. They all danced around like idiots and Snape took the chance to sit down on the couch. Voldie sat down next to him.  
  
'Hey, um, no hard feelings about the, uh, me trying to kill you bit?' he asked hopefully.  
  
Snape shook his head wearily. 'None whatsoever.' He said.  
  
After the party, Snape went back to his room. Sometime during the club meeting, Gilderoy had run way to be raised by the wolves.  
  
'I guess things are back to normal.' He said to himself slowly. Then he remembered the Ancient Greek Re-Creation Society, and how it would soon take over the whole school. 'Not to mention that we haven't seen the last of Hermione Farmer.' He then fell into an uneasy sleep.  
  
The next day, half the school was wearing togas over their robes, which looked very strange. Snape took his teaching position back from Sirius, who told him his new hair was "real groovy". He hired Gilderoy as his assistant for the time, until they were no longer wanted at St Mungo's.  
  
The next day, Rita Skeeter came to town, disguised as a nosey reporter named Lita Sneeter. Nobody suspected a thing because she had dyed her hair bright pink. And because she changed her name.  
  
In order to get the latest scoop on her secret admiree, Harry Potter, she pretended to be a fifteen year-old girl who had transferred from America (aren't we sick of these people?). Dumbledore had eaten way too many lemon drops and let her go into Gryffindor without question. She found Harry on the third floor corridor being rolled about by Draco and his cronies.  
  
'Hmm.' she said to herself. 'It seems that Harry has gone incognito too. Well, I can see right through the act!' she ran over to them, waving her hands about in the air. 'Boys! Boys! Stop it!' she said, pulling Draco away. Then she stopped, realizing who he was.  
  
'My, my, Harry Potter will have to wait! Can I have an interview, Mr Malfoy?' she asked.  
  
Draco bowed, taking off his top-hat. 'Soitenly!' he said, being a total gentleman. Then he looked at Rita (Lita). 'Er, do I know you?' he asked.  
  
She shrugged. 'Have you ever met Lita Sneeter?' she asked, seemingly answering his question.  
  
He shook his head. 'I guess not. But you do remind me of someone a lot older than fifteen.'  
  
Rita bit her tongue. 'Why, thank you. I dearly love compliments on my appearance.' She grunted.  
  
Draco, with a smile, said. 'You're welcome.'  
  
'WAHHH!!' Harry was crying again. That darned Burrito-eater was stealing his fame! 'Look at me!! I'm Harry Potter, the boy who lived!!' he whined pathetically.  
  
Draco smirked. 'More like, the boy who binged!' he said, and laughed harshly. Ignoring the hurt look on Harry's face, Rita/Lita started to laugh as well.  
  
'Charming, handsome, talented, AND funny! Our readers- I mean, I will have so much fun talking to you!' she said, saving her mistake.  
  
'Well you should! I have a PhD in socialness, and a Masters in humour at others' expense!' he said.  
  
'Ooh!' Rita said, impressed at Draco's fake degrees.  
  
He handed her two pieces of paper. 'Here are two tickets to my first solo concert. I felt like I was being suffocated by the band and needed to break off. Front seats!' And with that, he walked away at a stunned Crabbe and Goyle who hadn't known about Draco going solo until just then.  
  
'He is gonna be a star.' Rita said to herself.  
  
'That's what they said about me, until I got into drugs and partying!' Harry said. 'Now look at me!'  
  
Rita looked at him. 'You never did any of that!' she laughed and Harry sighed.  
  
'Do you want tickets to my book signing?' he asked. 'I've started writing books about my life, one for each year at Hogwarts. I am still writing this year, obviously, but if you buy the first four, I will sign them for free!'  
  
'I am not going to spend money on your stupid books! I am a level five Arkantos in the AGRS (Ancient Greek Re-Creation Society)! Two hundred more boxes of Gree-chocolate sold, and I get to move up to level one Heracles!'  
  
'Oh.' Harry dejectedly walked away to his next class- that's right! POTIONS!  
  
-------  
  
A/N: Review! Review! And anyone wanting to join the AGRS are to send their application via REVIEW!  
  
Now! Presenting! Because of not so popular demand! The lyrics to: The Day My Pickle Died  
  
The Day My Pickle Died  
  
  
  
Raisins, cucumbers  
  
  
  
My pickle  
  
Was oh so  
  
Very special  
  
  
  
We went to the park  
  
in the dark  
  
and played tag  
  
  
  
My pickle  
  
Was oh so  
  
Very special  
  
  
  
He cheered me up  
  
When I was blue  
  
There was nothing  
  
He wouldn't do  
  
But one day,  
  
He started to turn old  
  
And there was no escaping it  
  
He was growing mold  
  
  
  
So before he disintegrated  
  
I said goodbye  
  
And that my friends  
  
Is the day my pickle died  
  
  
  
My pickle  
  
Was oh so  
  
Very special  
  
  
  
To me he was  
  
Always true  
  
There was nothing  
  
He wouldn't do  
  
  
  
But one day,  
  
He started to turn old  
  
And there was no escaping it  
  
He was growing mold  
  
So before he disintegrated  
  
I said goodbye  
  
And that my friends  
  
Is the day my pickle died 


	10. Chapter Ten: The Figurative Birth of Ron...

SNAPERIFFIC!  
Author's Note: Chapter Ten! WOW. *faints*  
  
------------------  
  
Chapter Ten: The Figurative Birth of Ronaldoicci  
  
Gilderoy and Snape were in the class (wearing togas, of course) and Gilderoy was handing out fliers and putting them on the cauldrons.  
  
'Settle down class! Settle down!" Snape said, even though they were already quiet. 'Today, for a fun change, we will be learning the talent potion! I saw it on a girls' sitcom once!' Snape proceeded to give the class _cheerful_ instructions on how to make talent. He said the three most popular ones were acting (which needed a phoenix tear), singing (unicorn tear), and athletics (dragon flame). Since it was double potions (when is it not?) the Slytherins were there too.  
  
'I don't need this class!' Draco bragged. 'I can sing, I am going to star in a new movie, 8 Kilometre, and I am a star athlete!'  
  
Gilderoy smiled. 'You remind me of me when I was your age!' he said fondly.  
  
Draco sat up. 'Good garsh no!' he screamed.  
  
'Quiet over there!' Snape snapped, momentarily forgetting that he was trying to impress Gilderoy with his teaching skills.  
  
The students gathered their ingredients, and Snape gave them their assignment. 'With a partner, you are to make the potion of your choice, granted the potion has to be something you don't have. Your partner will give proof of that in the report, due next week.'  
  
Hermione and Ron paired up, leaving Harry to be with Neville, who had a severe rash on his face.  
  
'The skin keeps peeling.' Neville whined, scratching his face. Harry shuddered and tried to ignore it.  
  
'Oh, Draco! We are going to fail now, because you are TOO TALENTED!' Lita yelled, because she was Draco's partner and kept kissing up to him.  
  
Draco sighed. 'It seems even this blessing has a curse.' He tried to look sad. 'But we can just make two potions for you, since you don't have any talent!' he said happily.  
  
Lita's eye twitched. 'O-of course.'  
  
'So, Ron, what talent do you think you need the most?' Hermione asked. Ron grinned, flexing his muscles.  
  
'Definitely not athletic! If anything, I am too in shape!' he said, and Hermione rolled her eyes.  
  
'How about singing? Acting?'  
  
'Tigger o! Tigger o! Tiiigeroooh!' Ron sang, getting the words wrong, because he had been thinking about Winnie the Pooh.  
  
'Hmm, not bad.' Hermione lied. 'Okay, can you act?' Hermione tried not to laugh as Ron dressed himself up as Rupert Grint and began to act as Ron Weasley in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets at the part where they see the spiders.  
  
'Well, I guess you want singing talent then?' Hermione asked. Ron shrugged.  
  
'Sure.'  
  
'I'll take athletics.' Hermione said. Then she made the potion, and poured it into two cups. In a similar manner as she used with the Polyjuice potion, she put the individual ingredients into the two cups.  
  
'Bottoms up.' Ron said, and when Hermione wasn't looking, he stuck a few mints into his drink to make it taste better. What he didn't know was that mints actually magnify the power of the potion by fifty!  
  
He drank it and felt his vocal cords shifting, which was a rather odd feeling. He also felt his appearance being changed and his brain getting smarter (since there was no more room left to improve his voice, it had to improve his appearance and intelligence). Hermione had a bit more muscle and seemed a bit healthier, but she didn't even notice because she was staring at Ron.  
  
Ron thought that if it went on any longer, he would be sick, but luckily the potion finally stopped and the transformation was complete. He sighed. 'That was painful.' His voice was different. It was more masculine, but had a sort of ring to it. He tried it again. 'Sea shells she sells by the she sore.' he said, and it seemed that the whole room went quiet to listen to him (and for the girls to look at him). He didn't know what to do.  
  
Harry poked him with his elbow. 'Sing something!' he said. Ron blushed as he looked at all the people staring at him. Lita was starting to move away from Draco thinking to herself that he was finished and the Redhead would be the next big thing.  
  
So, Ron, being a big fan of the Beegees sang the first song that came to his mind.  
  
'Oooh! You can dance! You can jive! Having the time of your life! Ooh! See that girl! Watch that scene! Dig in the DANCING QUEEN!' Little did he know, even with his increased intelligence, that the Beegees didn't ever do that song. It was ABBA. Anyway! He was suddenly wearing disco clothes with the frilly things on the sleeves. The girls screamed and screamed in hysterics at his wonderful voice and minty breath.  
  
'Friday night and the lights are low! Looking out for a place to go! Where they play the right music, getting in the swing, you're in the mood for a king.'  
  
Neville, who had taken the athletic potion, and had sneezed in it (turning it into a mega singing potion) joined in. 'Anybody could be that guy! Night is young and the music's high!' But Lita beat him up and Ron stopped singing because he wanted to try another song.  
  
'He met Marmalade down in old New Orleans! Struttin her stuff on the street!' this song received even more cheers and screaming. Before he knew what was happening, Snape had bodysurfed over the crowd up to Ron to get an autograph.  
  
'Sign it to. Sevvy, my. uh. cousin. okay, it's me! Sign it to me!' Snape said. Ron laughed and all the girls screamed again.  
  
Snape read the autograph out loud to himself. 'To Snape. Your class stinkz. -Ronaldoicci. wow!'  
  
Hermione laughed harshly. 'Ronaldoicci?' (for those of you who are completely clueless how as to pronounce made-up names I think it is made up it is: Roe-nahl-doe-Eech-ee)  
  
Draco was going crazy. 'Hello?! Teen-rock sensation! OVER HERE! DRACO MALFOY!! Come on!' he said, and started to sob. Harry waddled over to him and patted him on the back.  
  
'There there. they did it to me too. I used to be famous for nothing, and now look at me!' Harry said. Draco knocked Harry out and ran away.  
  
'If I don't do something soon, then I will end up like that!' he said to himself. He ran for a while, and then an idea came to him. He ran to where Ron was performing, on stage in the Great Hall. Once Ron was done, Draco approached him.  
  
'Hey, Ron-'  
  
Ron put up his hand. 'That's Mister Ronaldoicci to you!'  
  
Draco grimaced. 'Okay, sorry Mister Ronaldoicci! I was wondering. you know what would be great for your career? We could do a solo, together!'  
  
Ron sneered a Draco-like sneer. 'You mean, a duet? I dunno, you are kinda yesterdays news.' he took a bite out of a taco.  
  
'Oh, no! He is at the TACO stage already! I never even got past the burrito stage!' Draco thought to himself, frantically. 'Must do something fast!'  
  
'Of course, sorry. As for me being yesterday's news, I think you mean that the Brostellas are yesterday's news! I was going to announce my going solo tonight, but I thought it might hit the crowd better if I did a so- er, duet with you and then announced it! Imagine how the crowds will react to this schools two best voices! It will be Woodstock all over again!' Draco was loosing it, but Ron was intrigued.  
  
'Sure.' He said, and they started to write a song at top speed.  
  
-------  
  
A/N: PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!! RONALDOICCI COMPELLS YOU!!! 


	11. Chapter Eleven: The Figurative Death of ...

SNAPERIFFIC!  
  
Author's Note: Ha, ha, ha, I finally remembered to update because Morumotto told me to!  
  
I realize that I left off at a bit of a cliff-hanger (*snort* yeah, right!) BUT NEVER FEAR, THE END IS NEAR. The end of the Eleventh chapter, that is!  
  
Oh, by the way~ REVIEW LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!  
  
-----  
  
Chapter Eleven: The Figurative Death of Ronaldoicci  
  
That night at dinner, everyone had a feeling that something big was going to happen (especially when the lights dimmed and Draco announced that something big was going to happen). The room became darker and darker until it was pitch black. Terry Boot stood up screaming that they would all be killed, and there was a great flash of light, that blinded everyone.  
  
The stage filled with dry ice and Draco floated down from the ceiling wearing a tight, sparkly, shirt with a checker pattern. His pants were similar, with bellbottoms and rhinestone lining. There were rhinestones on the cuffs of his sleeves too. Random fangirls throughout the audience screamed.  
  
Then, there was another flash of light, and Ron, or Ronaldoicci as he likes to be called, flew onto the stage and the whole audience erupted with cheers. He was wearing a maroon tux that his mom made for the special occasion. He insisted, however, that it was purple.  
  
'Hello Hogwarts! Are you ready to rock?!' Draco screamed into the microphone. Some people said yes, so Ron took the microphone.  
  
'He said. ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!?' he screamed even louder and everyone cheered. The music started and Draco started to dance around because he thought it would make him look cool. Ron started the song.  
  
'We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind  
  
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance  
  
Well, they're no friends of mine!'  
  
Hermione was looking around suspiciously, holding her "Hogwarts: A History" close to her heart.  
  
'They didn't write this song!' she said accusingly, obviously jealous of all the attention Ron(aldoicci) was getting.  
  
Now Draco sang the next part:  
  
Say, we can go where we want to, a place that they will never find  
  
And we can act like we come from out of this world  
  
Leave the real one far behind  
  
They sang this song for a bout five minutes and then to make it even longer, they started to sing it in French, Spanish, Japanese, German, Portuguese, and Italian, and then they sang it in English again at the end.  
  
We can dance, we can dance  
  
Everybody look at your hands  
  
We can dance, we can dance  
  
Everybody's taken the CHAAAAANCE!  
  
Suddenly, Ron's voice faltered. He tried to go on, but it wasn't working. He now sounded like he had before, possibly even worse. Draco grinned, realizing that the potion was wearing off. He began to sing louder so as to steal the spotlight. But Ronaldoicci wasn't going to give up without a fight.  
  
'THE SAAAFETY DAANCE!' he yelled, horribly off-key.  
  
Finally, he was booed off the stage and went to go sit beside Hermione and Harry. Draco then began his life-altering announcement.  
  
'Now that I have all my _faithful_ fans back, I would just like to inform you all that I am going solo. I am breaking off from The Brostellas. I am flying free!' he yelled the last part, and everyone screamed and cheered (except for a few people, ie: Pansy, Crabbe, Goyle, Harry, Ron, and Hermione).  
  
Before he could do his victory dance, Dumbledore shooed him off the stage.  
  
'Attention Fifth-years! Remember that trip we were going to have? Well since I forgot about it, we will be leaving in an hour. Go pack and meet here! The rest of you, as you were- stationary and pointless.'  
  
'Ooh, yey!' Lita said. 'A trip! A romantic getaway for Draco and myself!' she said.  
  
Hermione walked up to her smugly. 'NOT anymore!' she said loudly.  
  
Lita took a step back nervously. 'W-what do you mean?'  
  
'I mean that I know your secret- AGAIN! Lita Sneeter it is time to reveal to everyone who you really are!' Hermione pulled a pair of ugly glasses out of her book-bag and stuck them on Lita's face. They were the same ugly pink glasses that Rita Skeeter used to wear. Everyone recognised Lita for who she really was! Draco, realizing that he been kissing her earlier, covered his mouth and ran around frantically, finally stopping to throw up on Cho's shoes. She let out a blood-curdling scream.  
  
'I JUST GOT THE HEALTH FOOD OUT OF MY HAIR AND NOW THIS!' she wailed. Ron started to laugh, and didn't even wonder why no one else was laughing. Cho was turning into a monster from the bowels (heh. bowels) of the earth!! Her eyes were the colour of fire, but then they turned an icky green and she turned into the HULKETTE! 'RAAARGH!!' she bellowed, and started to knock things over. She hit the Gryffindor dinner table and a turkey landed on Ron's head and stayed there for the remainder of this scene. Then, she turned into Rodan and flew away to go conspire with Hermione Farmer, no doubt.  
  
Now the turkey was off Ron's head and he had stopped running around in a disorderly manner. Harry sighed. And sighed again. In fact, he kept sighing until he couldn't breathe properly and fainted.  
  
Dumbledore ran into the room. 'ALL ABOARD!' he yelled, because he had always wanted to do that.  
  
-----  
  
A/N: REVIEW! LEST YOU EAT CLOGS!! 


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